Reasons to hate Edmonton


For about the last two weeks I have been strangely sad about the prospect of leaving Edmonton. I'm not sure if this means I'm actually starting to like it here or if I'm just scared spitless about moving again and having to learn a whole new city (or extrapolating from my current employment options, a whole new hamlet). The sadness isn't constant, like it was when I was leaving SLC in January. Instead, it comes and goes at random points. I'll be stopped in the train over the frozen river and bam! it comes. Then it'll disappear once I step outside into the frigid air but sneak back in when my prof uses the term "Canadian content". Or sometimes it'll just be something as simple as riffling through the four pounds of coins I always seem to have on me to find a dollar. That used to piss me off. Now, it sort of makes me nostalgic, if one can use that word to refer to the present.

So, I need remind myself of things I won't have to worry about once I leave this cit (and Canada). Therefore, a list of things I'm not going to miss:

  • Walking to the store when it's below zero degrees out and then schlepping home ten pounds of potatoes because all five pound bags are gone
  • Constantly having to convert from metric to imperial. If I never have to times by nine, divide by five and add 32, I'll be just fine. Or trying to figure out how many grams of limeade is equal to six ounces
  • Living in the 1985 house: no caller id, no Internet connection, dark wood paneling, very few overhead lights, and a tub with decorative butterflies that are peeling from the floor
  • Being convinced, through an evil process, that 41°F makes a day "beautiful", "warm", and "near perfect"
  • Doing stupid assignments that are completely fake and totally useless. e.g. the proposal for a process for a plan for an imaginary library
  • Filling out income tax returns for two national and three local governments (as I'm doing this year) or just two and two like I did last year
  • Paying for a library card (ok, ok, it is only twelve bucks and I more than get my money's worth, but it's the principle, really)
  • Not being able to go to Wal-mart for all my cheapskate needs (typically the "speciality" stores, like Staples, are cheaper than Wal-mart)
  • Being in possession of no fewer than four bank accounts to deal with my money
  • Feeling the compulsion to convert all prices into "real" dollars
  • The utter lack of cinnamon bears
  • Being terrified of needing anything medical-related, as I haven't the foggiest how the system here works and I'm too lazy to find out
  • Not understanding, even fleetingly, how the political system I live under works
  • Answering the question, over and over again, "why on earth did you move to Edmonton?"
  • The relentless, debilitating physical torture

Ok, that last one's a lie. But replace physical with psychological and you may not be too far from the mark. But then, it's mostly self-inflicting, so moving won't really solve that one.


Robert said...

Look on the bright side: you could be working part-time as a barista.

alea said...

Are you barista-ing? (tending coffee bar? what's the verb here?) Have you donned the Kaffeehausästhetisch? I get a kick of the studied nonchalance and/or counterculture they try to put forward.

Robert said...

I am indeed....and not at your traditional Starbucks but rather at the cafe attached to a Barnes & Noble (although we still serve Starbucks products). In fairness to myself, I am currently pursuing some "real" jobs, but I definitely still deserve to be mocked.

librarianite said...

Ugh - your life in Canada is so hard. You forgot to mention the incredible cultural events like lego exhibits of the legislature building and decaying plastic models of ancient rats.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, Dai, you should definitely feel better about yourself compared to Robert. I sure do.

Robert said...

I just had a brilliant idea! We should start an uncalled four blog, or an "Uncalled Fourum", if you will. Or I suppose we could just use email to correspond....ok my idea sucks, I just wanted to make a bad pun.

Anonymous said...

Narrow minded & short sighted american we'll be glad when you leave, to return once more to your country ruled by fear.

Anonymous said...

omg i hate edmonton it is a piece of crap and there are so many rednecks in edmonton.not to mention almost all people there are rasist.Im straight up from toronto and its the best city in canada there are so many things to do there unlike edmoton.also the weather in toronto is beautiful even in winter unlike edmonton where its freezing in winter.

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