Time is not my friend

I am a notoriously late person. My friend’s are so acquainted with this tendency of mine that I no longer need to even text them “I’m going to be late”. Instead, I send off the message “You’ll never guess what I’m about to say…” at the time we’re actually supposed to meet. It’s not a habit I’m particularly fond of, but then again, I’m not really being all that proactive about fixing it.

One thing people claim you can do to improve your punctuality is set your clocks ahead. Of course, this is silly. Because if you know how far ahead they are, you just do the arithmetic and it doesn’t solve anything. But, I do set my clocks ahead. Trick is, no two are set the same time ahead, so I’m not in sync. My watches (yes, watches. I like to accessorize, ok?) are some variation between three and ten minutes fast. Actually, this one does help a smidge, as I’m never sure which watch is on the ten-minute end and which is a smaller gap.

My car clock runs 17 minutes ahead of schedule. Which, for someone like me, can be taxing on math skills. “Let’s see….it says 6.42, but it’s 17 minutes fast so that makes it…” Sums and differences are not something I’m particularly speedy (or adept) at. To make matters worse, this clock also sometimes runs faster (up to 20) or slower (down to 13). I’m not making this us. That clock is a shifty character.

One of my alarm clocks (because, yes, I also need multiple ones of them to urge me up in the am) is set two hours earlier. The reason here, though, is simple. If you have to wake up before 6, it’s sometimes nice to fool yourself into thinking you’ve set your alarm for 7.48, not 5.48, right? (Speaking of weird time things…I never set an alarm for an increment of five minutes. It stresses me out).

Also, though, I’m around clocks that run on time all day long. My cell phone, for instance, automatically updates its time. Or I’m a computer. Or I’m in an office or class setting with prominent clocks. So, I can’t get very far away from the correct time. So, all these efforts to trick myself are wasted.

But, really, what’s this post about? Two things. First, I am a deeply neurotic person. Second, I’ll always be late. But my apologies for the same are always very timely. In fact, let me apologize now: I’m sorry for keeping you waiting. It'll happen again, but I don't mean anything by it.

Dear Lady Gaga

I know, I know, you're a lie and you kill everyday to make it true. But does this killing actually go on in crematoria? Because, your new video for Alejandro is trying really hard to invoke the Nazis. Ok, sure, whatever. The problem, though, is it's also trying to invoke the end of the world and the very 17th century idea of religious ecstasy. So, you're doing a lot of things. Check.

But, it's not quite Nazis, is it? Just like it's not quite steam punk. Or not quite post-apocalyptic. Or not quite Evita on steroids. Or not quite Counter Reformation with a huge dollop of sex. Truth be told, I feel mostly like the video is just that: not quite.

Also, for a song that is, ostensibly about the complicated relationship everyone feels towards intimacy of the physical stripe, your metaphors of that intimacy could be less...blunt? I mean, isn't the simulated sex that goes nowhere and where you're the dominatrix a bit...obvious?

Don't get me wrong. I like your stuff. And it's interesting. And moderately entertaining to watch. But, I think you ought to be careful. You're almost to the point of de trop. And de trop for Gaga fans is saying a lot.



Yes, I know

I often feel like God is very present in my life without being there in a really helpful sense. You know, the same old complaints: unanswered prayers, complicated answers, timing issues, prayers answered in ways we don't like, life that seems tobe heading towards total bliss and ends up falling apart. That sort of thing. Today seemed like a particularly strong day for that.

And then, this evening, He sent me a thunderstorm. I don't mean he sent it specifically for me. But I got to experience it. It was the most amazing display of lightning I've ever seen. But, it wasn't the cloudburst of destruction that brilliance like this can come with. In fact, it was just barely sprinkling. And the thunder was far enough away that it was just a distant rumble. Low and solemn and peaceful.

I can't really do justice to what it looks, sounded and felt like. But, in part, it felt like God picked up and squeezed. Hard. I was in awe. I was comforted. And, as usual, I was reminded that hey, maybe somebody up there is watching out for me.