The coldest end


I am unbelievably conflict averse. It's ridiculous. Like today, when I went to get my menus printed and the Kinko's dude printed them on white instead of off-white cardstock. Granted, I don't care that much. But still, rather than engage, I just let it go. Now, presumably, most people have a slightly more reasonable approach to problems in their life. But, I think there's enough awkwardness and discomfort out there to justify a new employment opportunity for someone with conflict skills: the breaker up.

Basically, this person would be hired by individuals wishing to cut off ties with another person. Most of their work would involve romantic mispairings, but surely could include friendships, too. You all know the sorts of situations in which this service would be invaluable. They're not when you find yourself locked in constant arguments with your partner. Or when the reasons for staying together are completely flimsy and really just a reflection of your fear of being alone. No, no, no. You call the breaker up when you have no real reason for ending things. When your reasons are amorphous: they don't make you laugh enough, they have an unnatural affection for their pets, they're not as bright as you thought, or maybe they're a practicing Wiccan. You get the idea: the insurmountable speed bumps. Or perhaps you can use their services when, after a couple of dates, you decide you're just not interested in anything more. It would be a lot less messy than just pretending to be busy for a couple of weeks and then not returning phone calls.

And, the breaker up is even more necessary when the other party has no idea how unsatisfied you are. They just go along, treating you beautifully, being complimentary, and doing nothing to molest you and the whole time you're screaming inside, "get out! get out! get out!"* As I see it, the breaker up could call up their client's significant other and say, "I represent so and so. He just wanted to let you know that he no longer desires to spend time with you. He figured this way you could both divest yourself before things got too serious. Thank you for your time."

An alternative approach, I suppose, would be to find a way to make your brain and your body agree on what's attractive and go for that. But, please, why improve when you can outsource? Maybe, though, we just need a new line of greeting cards. They could say things like, "Thanks for dinner. Do not contact me again" or "While I understand that you find me highly attractive, rest assured the feeling is not mutual" or "It's obvious we aren't going to make it as a couple. Let's cut our losses, shall we?"

Sadly, the breaker up is just an idea and doesn't exist. Which leaves me facing the fact that I'll probably have to do my own dirty work. But, if any of you want to make a few bucks...

*Granted, this may be more a feature of my belief that relationships are, generally, a trap that you either get caught in or lure someone else into.


Petra said...

Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Now there's a job I could do.

Robert B said...

Simply email a link to this blog post to the person in question. Problem solved!

Anonymous said...

"While I understand that you find me highly attractive, rest assured the feeling is not mutual."

That is why I knew we should be friends: the witty wit of your soul.

AND, thank you for commenting on my blog. And that IS weird, and sad? And I'm glad you haven't forgotten me! I check up regularly on you, your cooking, your lace, your library, albeit in stalkerish internet-y ways

alea said...

Petra: if only you were serious.

Robert: Seems a bit...well, direct, doesn't that?

oneup said...

Do you have a need for this service????? I probably would do it...I lack tact.

Petra said...

How do you know I'm not serious? You of all people should know that I'm good at the heartless breakup.

alea said...

Maybe you (or I) should just have some cards made up saying "It's Been Real".

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