All My Gettings

Since I've basically decided that I'm out of my current employment situation, by hook or by crook, come August, I'm having a devil of a time focusing. I come to work, get grumpy in about three minutes flat, then spend the day...actually this is what isn't clear to me. I have these giant eight-hour holes in my life.

I goof off a bit online, but nothing worth reporting on. I lazily catalogue the few magazines that trickle in each day. I troll job listings for positions I really want but will never apply for, and then get halfway through writing cover letters for positions I don't want, but think I could get. But, I feel sick bragging about myself and stretching my accomplishments and lose the will to continue. I mean, what could I possibly be thinking, imagining myself moving to Montana. To do technical services work. I don't think I hate myself quite that much yet.

I think I should feel more pressure to get something done. To finally create that three-year plan (though, what's the point, seeing as how I won't be here to see it actually carried out). To put together those handouts on databases (which will never be used because I'm failing at marketing). To carry out the additional duties my boss has handed me (even though I'm resentful about them and they don't make any sense). But I simply don't feel the drive. I even dressed up today in attempt to jump start my ambition, but not even a pretty paisley tie helped my mood.

I am starting to realize, though, that all this needs to change. I need to leave here with a bang, not a whimper. Because otherwise, my general sense of failure will have become self-fulfilled. And, if I'm not going to feel like hell every single weekday between now and August, I've got to develop a better attitude. If only I knew how. Or cared enough to find out.

In the meantime, I'll go back to reading this article in The New Yorker and then I'll be off to give what may be the least engaged library orientation ever. Fortunately, nobody'll notice, what with the level of fake pep I'm always astounded that I can drag up.